The Shira Ruskay Center

We have gathered below some inspirational notes received from people directly impacted by the work of the Shira Ruskay Center, families of terminally ill patients and Doula volunteers...

From Family Members:

"Many people helped us along the way, and so my father had a good life and a great death. I am particularly grateful to you for all your efforts on our behalf... and for the excellent service you gave my father and me at the critical moment. The support, data, and behind-the-scenes work you provided contributed immensely to our well-being and my father's longevity... he was very happy to be home for the seven months after he left the hospital."

-- Hannah (Daughter of a patient)

"There is so much that you offered me at a time of such intense crises. As Jerry's physical condition deteriorated, I felt the realization that I would have to make decisions on my own. It was a scary place to be. I didn't feel that I had the full support from doctors who seemed unwilling to confront the reality of Jerry's illness and its impact on all of us. I couldn't discuss things freely with family members, and wasn't sure what to say to the children. Jerry had always taken charge in decision making. Now, for the first time, he was incapable. It was frightening. I knew of the value of hospice and wanted to take the steps necessary to have closure but it seemed so insurmountable at the time. With your help, I gained clarity, objectivity and direction. It made sense of the situation. There was relief in knowing that we would have a new support system available to us. We could be there for Jerry wholeheartedly, with compassion and care. There was comfort for all of us, too."

-- Rhonda (Wife of a patient)

"My only sister, Ruth, was gravely ill. Ruth lived by herself on the top floor of a four-story walk-up. I use a wheelchair. Mother was in her 90's. There is nothing more devastating than a loved one alone and in pain--except being unable to reach her. But the Shira Ruskay Center could reach her. And they did. When I phoned the first time, I heard the voice of kindness, reason, support. Harriet made suggestions that assisted me and my sister throughout those months of turmoil. When we seemed lost and chaos reigned, Harriet handled everything we couldn't. She called on the exceptional services from JBFCS and provided us with so much that we needed. My sister had aides, social workers, ambulance services, food, love and caring--all with a Jewish orientation. I had a person I called "Friend" who I could contact at anytime for help, knowledge, and comforting. I will be grateful to Harriet and the Shira Ruskay Center all my days."

-- Carol (Sister of a patient)

From Doula Volunteers:

ON VISITING

"I can tell that he really values people... He loves Strawberry ice cream... he speaks often about his relatives and friends who have passed before him. His memory is fascinating. He remembers the date of each person's death and recalls details of how they died, even if it was over 30 years ago... He does seem to get sad every time he brings them up, but I think he just likes to talk about his family as he loved them dearly... He says he likes to play dominos, which I have no clue about, but hopefully he can teach it to me and feel valuable... I'm excited about spending time with him, and feel very lucky to have met him. He has a heart big as anyone I've met."

"I met with J. for the second time today. At the beginning he said he was not having a good day since his back hurt and his ankles were swelling up. I said I’d love just to see him a bit and then leave, which seemed to please him. As we chatted, his spirits seemed to pick up so that I wound up with a 2 hour visit and left after telling him that I had some engagements to fulfill. We agreed that I should come back."

"The intimacy of feeding someone can’t help but bring two people together. I always accept it as a sign of trust when a doulee allows me to help them with eating. ...a piece of cheesecake, ice cream or pastrami on rye can make a new best friend out of anybody."

"I spent about an hour with M. yesterday. His situation has deteriorated, but Mg. said that when I was there it was the first time M. lit up and showed emotion in a long time...We held hands — he likes to squeeze my fingers — and I talked a lot. I made him smile and laugh a little bit here and there. I tried feeding him his dinner but he is unable to swallow, so whenever he takes food in, he chews it for a long time. I love him!"

"The turning point was helping her buy a printer/faxer/scanner online. Now every week we have a project: hook up the machine, figure out how to copy, figure out how to fax etc. I think it's easier for her to bond through a shared task then through talk/emotions... I also tried showing her pictures of my new (step) granddaughter and that worked pretty well too."

"After the completion of training, to go out into the field with my first client was indeed an extraordinary experience that touched me in such a way I will remember it forever. Here was a man who, despite the horrific disease that had left him paralyzed, made a decision that he wanted to be in his own home while he was in hospice care. S. knew exactly what was going on and was aware of the outcome, but never once did he complain when I was with him. He was a gourmand and an intellectual so the conversations we had about all areas of life were extremely rewarding and his humor lasted until the end. He would call me every week and relay what kind of food I could bring him, relishing the thought of a good meal rather than the usual meals-on- wheels."

"We are trying to get E to resume playing the keyboard, one of my greatest challenges of late. Simply put, E will try to play for my birthday. He agreed to play classical music. I am a Beach Boys fan. Life is a trade off."

NEARING DEATH

"I know you're right about levels of intimacy I knew she was a person who didn't let others in easily but I never realized to what extent this was true until I spent time with her neighbor who told me there really was no one else in R.’s life except me, the neighbor and the church. I do know that I've made a difference to R. I think that knowing I would be there to reset the clock and teach her how to use the microwave helped her to feel less helpless and more in control. I filled up some of the loneliness and emptiness of her days and even shared a couple of laughs. I guess comfort is in the eyes of the beholder. What would bring comfort to me would probably be intolerable to R. I'm not sure how much time she has left. I'll see her as often as I can and I'll try to do my best for her."

"Wanted to let you know that R. died on Saturday, a few hours after I had been in to visit. I was glad that I was able to say goodbye, if not with words, at least in spirit."

FROM TRAINING EVALUATIONS

"There were different parts of the training that I found significant. The way the pairing exercises were done reinforced the importance of effective listening. First, the Exercise about loss allowed me to experience my own feelings about loss and how difficult it must be for every human being. The reactions of other participants helped me see that we all deal with loss in an unique way based on our beliefs and experiences. Second, Finding Meaning/Spirituality allowed me to see that no matter where people are coming from, we (humans) have a sense of something greater than ourselves; we are more than physical beings regardless of our background, regardless of our differences. Third, including the Impact of Culture was very smart, especially in NYC. The reading materials and the training exercise reminded me that as unique as my culture is, there are so many other ones, so different than mine. Overall, it is important to respect the other person’s values and to see the person as an individual no matter what. Finally, having an active Doula share his experience was very helpful. His sincerity and openness made the work more real."

"The training with you two was a wonderful spiritual eight weeks of being exposed to how being a Doula was a very special piece of my life as a retiree. It enabled me to see how I could be of use to those less fortunate than me and therefore be able help someone who is dying. The part of being a Doula that is really significant for me is that here I am having worked on Madison Ave most of my professional life. Always driven by the need to succeed both personally and on behalf of the firm, able thanks to the program to give back to the community in a very small way. It makes me feel good to know that I am able to be a compassionate companion to a dying person and to have no agenda while doing it. Thank you so much for exposing me to this very unique place to volunteer."

"I rushed to get the #1 train and to try to get to the Doula meeting at least by 6:30. I hadn't been to a meeting in quite awhile. I was tired and it took effort. There was time and space to talk, share, and listen. By the end of the meeting, my eyes (and heart) were filled with tears. Not only did each person paint a really vivid picture of their experience and so I was really visiting with each of the clients as they spoke, but I realized how incredible each one of the Doula's were, each in her own way — how caring and truly giving and present. And though I didn't know these women personally, I felt a very strong bond sitting in that room, around that table."

©2010 The Shira Ruskay Center
135 West 50th Street, 6th Floor · New York, NY 10020
Phone: (212) 632-4608 · Fax: (212) 399-2475 ·
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